Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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