Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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