I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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