FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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