she smelled like a LAN party
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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