she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
