Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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