It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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