His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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