May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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