it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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