well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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