Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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