Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
