i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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