Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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