I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
