Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
