We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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