my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So vagazzling was a success
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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