she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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