Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
