What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
