you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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