it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
