Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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