Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
