Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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