Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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