She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also, beer. Big fan.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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