Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
