i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
