I love black thongs
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
