i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
