Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
