I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
