apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
