I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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