I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
