At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
