Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
