Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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