My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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