hell yes lets make some ravioli
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
