I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
