I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
