Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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