I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
