everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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