I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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